“I am a phenomenal success story…I made it!”- Chiadi Ndu
Many would assume that I am suggesting that I have various healthy bank accounts, many cars (perhaps even a private jet), numerous houses and that I wear only diamonds and platinum. In their opinion, that is what it is all about – tangible, measurable things.
But that for me is so far from it. I consider myself a success because I am where I am today; in a place of fulfilment.
I have walked through 15 years of one of the most debilitating and humiliating illnesses ever known. {Click here to read my story on BellaNaija} I have walked through lack and deprivation. I have walked through pain and grief. I have worked through failure and rejection. All these led me to a place of self- loathing – a place where I felt that my life couldn’t be worth much.
It is not a good place to be. It is a place where you can’t look away from your deficiencies; a place where all your weaknesses are exaggerated.
When I was in that place there were two audible voices in my head; Tiny and Louder. Tiny suggested to me that things were not as bad as I was making out but Louder always seemed able to shout her down. Louder had the knack of recounting all my mistakes, my doubts and my catalogue of ‘incompetencies’.
My time there was peculiar because I really had no business being there. It seemed like I had everything I needed. The few times I tried to talk about my feelings of discontent, I always heard “But you have a lot to be grateful for. Do you know what other people are going through?” Before I could catch my breath my listener would reel off all that I had going for me. This tended to make me feel worse. It added ingratitude to my already long list of faults.
I mastered the art of not talking because almost everyone I spoke to trivialized my struggles. I became an expert at masking my feelings. I laughed at jokes I didn’t find funny, I dressed in clothes I didn’t like and hung around people I didn’t really want to be with. I did jobs I didn’t like and I felt had to apologise each time I had the courage to be myself. After a while, in this quagmire, I lost my true self… my authenticity. I stopped knowing who I was, what I was and what I wanted. Needless to say I was confused, unhappy and unfulfilled.
But the purpose of God found me. When I learnt to be real with Him, the Master of my Orchestra turned my mess into a beautiful symphony. He started to weave the disjointed fragments of this life into a beautiful tapestry. I found my meaning again and I discovered some of the reasons life had thrown me such hard punches. Now I am fully convinced that all of creation has synchronized to support my genuine effort to be the person I was created to be. I am finally starting to experience self-fulfilment and Tiny has become Louder.
This can be your story too. Those low places and sad phases in your life can all be woven together to bring meaning, healing and fulfilment. Louder in your head can be crowded out by Tiny too.
This column is about very real people and their real struggles… real pain, real tears, real laughter, real hope and real faith. The ethos of this column is to use the broken places in real peoples’ lives (including mine) to inspire and empower.
I don’t know how long it is going to last or even the path that it will take but I invite you to walk with me. You won’t regret the liberty of authenticity.