FRAGRANCE OF ROSES CONTD

Ken eventually pulled through his grief after he lost his wife but it took him a lot of time and counselling. He found it difficult to forgive himself for all the years he didn’t tell his wife all she meant to him. He had flashbacks of opportunities he had lost when he could have emphasized his feelings for her or even paid her simple compliments. I concluded from my interaction with Ken, that the pain of guilt can bethe most excruciating in the process of grieving.
I wasn’t surprised about Gbenga’s beautifulfeelings towards his wife Bukola.I felt she deserved it and more but I knew it was crucial that he began to show her some of it. I knew that if Gbenga didn’tmake some fundamental adjustments, he was likely to lose both his wife and his marriage and unlike Ken, it will notbe to death.I needed to find an effective way to communicate this to Gbenga.
“I can see that you really do think the world of your wife, don’t you Gbenga?” I started and he nodded in affirmation. “Do you think she knows how important she is to you? What do youusually do to let her know how you feel about her?” I asked carefully. I knew I had gotten his attention when I noticed the deep furrows on his forehead as he thought through my questions. Together, we went through a list of things I felt he ought to be doing to show some of his affection and he agreed that he was doing very few of them, if any.
I had to point out to Gbenga that his wifeBukola was not psychic. She had no way of reading his mind and finding out how he felt about her. For the first time in his life, Gbenga realized that he was not communicating his feelings appropriately to Bukola. “Quite frankly Mrs Ndu, I am not a very expressive person. I feel that showing emotion isa weakness…”I listened attentively.
I found out that Gbenga began to see himself as anexcessively intelligentboy when he was young. He had the gift of the gab and his verbal skills were over-developed. Both his parents were lawyers and from an early agethey encouraged him to cultivate his oratorical skills. He did that very well and he was often applauded and encouraged. This became his platform for arrogance.
Gbenga started to finish other people’s sentences, talk over them, use bogus words and switch topics just to throw people off during conversations. He was an expert in talking. Unfortunately,he carried these traits into his marriage and forgot to listen to his wife. He began to act as though Bukola was less of an individual than he was. He began by finishing her sentences for her and then started toget angryand impatient with her when she didn’t think as ‘neatly’ as he expected her to. He felt that her emotions and sentiments ofteninterfered with her thought processes. This began to irritate him because he felt it stopped her from being reasonable and thorough. He felt she needed a lot of help in organising her life. “When she lost her father, she cried non-stop for 3weeks,” he said to me. “I was infuriated,”he continued. “What did she think crying would do for her? C’mon, she is an adult and she ought to know that crying doesn’t cause the dead to resurrect. It was becoming such a nuisance. She almost lost her job because she just couldn’t get her act together. I know she was veryclose to her father, but he was now dead. It was finished… I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just absorb the reality and get on with her life. I had to step in and force her to get back to living,” Gbenga explained. As he spoke, the entire picture began to fall into place.Without giving away too many details of my conversation with his wife, I explained to Gbenga that he was being very critical of his wife. I pointed out to him that every woman needed to be applauded, appreciated and celebrated by people that were important to her. He seemed to understand.The thought of how close he had come tolosing his wife and marriage was very humbling. He learnt that he was not as indispensable as he thought he was.
Gbenga and I have since become very good friends and I know he is making a lot of effort. His verbal skills are not always enough these days because he works really hard at ‘dazzling’ his beloved angel, Bukola.
Bukola on the hand is also working hard at letting go of the hurt she felt at Gbenga’s ‘chilliness’ when she lost her father. She has started to see that he was only trying to be helpful. In fact, her eyes welled up with tears as she tried to describe the poem Gbenga had composed for her the day before.

My phone rings and I recognise Gbenga’s number.I chuckle as I recall my last conversation with Bukola.Now I canhear him saying, “This evening MrsNdu, there is a bouquet of red roses waiting for my angel at home. She must indeedsmell the roses while she still can. I don’t want to spend my life making glowing tributes to an estranged wife or reminiscing overwhat could have been…” I have concluded that Gbenga is indeed a brilliant young man who has recognised his best interest and is working hard to maintain it. He has learnt well- what doyou think?
All the names and characters have been changed to protect their identities.

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