I was lounging around and fiddling with the remote control trying to entertain myself. As I flicked through the channels and still didn’t see anything worth my while, my older son walked in. I was relieved to have some good company at last. I looked up at him and noticed that he was looking at me very intently with a very gentle smile on his face. I was wondering what was on his mind as he walks up to me and places a kisses on my left cheek. He says to me with an emotion-laden voice, “Mum, I have never told you how much I appreciate you, have I? I know I haven’t but I really do. I just thought I should let you know. I must give the roses when they can still be smelt.” I was baffled for a few seconds as I am thinking, “This is deep stuff.” I mutter a prayer of thanks under my breath because my boy has successfully transited to a man. He has learnt one of the principal lessons in life; giving the roses while they can still be smelt. I know there is a lucky girl out there whose life is going to be filled with roses and their fragrance.
When I met Bukola, she was not mincing words. She told me that she wanted to quit her 3year old marriage. “I have simply had enough of this marriage Mrs. Ndu. I came to see you because a friend of mine suggested I speak with a professional counselor before I take my final decision. Nobody is likely to understand what I have been going through. Everyone says to me ‘That is how men are,’ including my mother. I am saying that if that is how men are, then they are not worth much. Ma, my husband Gbenga is so mean. You can’t imagine what I am talking about. I noticed this first when I lost my father. He knows how dear my father was to me but he showed me absolutely no compassion. He kept saying “But the old man is dead. I don’t know why you are crying like this. No matter how hard you cry, nothing is going to bring him back”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know he is pragmatic and realistic like he always would remind me, but that was totally heartless. I was not crying for my father to wake up. I knew he couldn’t. I was crying because I was in pain, I was missing my dad. To have my husband say over and over again that I was wasting my time was indeed very hurtful. Something died in me. I expected him to be my friend and safe haven. Though he was saying the truth, he could have been kinder. I was at my most vulnerable then, now, it is so difficult for me to trust him with things that matter to me. I feel my deepest feelings are not safe with him. Is this what marriage is about? Is this the way I am going to spend the rest of my life. No Ma, I will not live like this. There must be much more to life. These are still early days, I have to wake up and smell the coffee,” she concluded vehemently.
I was impressed that Bukola had clearly processed her thoughts and set her boundaries. She knew exactly what she wasn’t going to live with. She had articulated them very clearly. I knew I needed to meet with her husband Gbenga.
When I met him, I was not disappointed. He was dapper, exactly the way I imagined he would be. I knew he was a bright, young man and very cerebral too. He started by apologizing for re-scheduling his appointment with me. “I must thank you for the help you have been to my wife, Mrs. Ndu. She seems to have metamorphosised into a different person, a very calming change I noticed.” This young man was oozing with self confidence, tainted with a bit of arrogance. As far as he was concerned, it was his wife that had a problem and I was helping her to solve it. I had to cut to the chase very quickly and explain to Gbenga that his marriage was on a very rocky path and he was likely to lose his very unhappy wife. He seemed startled because this was obviously a person who didn’t think he could fail at anything. I listened very carefully when he started to speak. “I don’t understand what you mean Mrs. Ndu. Bukola and I get along pretty well. I am surprised you are saying this,” I knew he was neither acting nor joking. “I have worked very hard to make sure my wife is happy. I love her very much; she is all that I have. I think she is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I have ever come across. She is an angel. I don’t know where I would be without her. I know I can be very pushy at times, but that is what Bukola needs otherwise she’d just drift along. She can be very emotional at times and would usually just let go. But as far as I am concerned, she is the anchor that steadies me,” he said.
As I hear the words “She is an angel”, it resonates from a distant past when my friend Ken lost his wife. It was such a tragedy. Ken was shattered beyond words
and it showed. His pain was intense. When I got to speak to him, I noticed that he was filled with more guilt than grief. He kept repeating himself, “My wife was an angel but I never told her. Now she has left me and gone to be with angels like herself.” He repeated this like a mantra. I was worried because I suspected he might be on the brink of a major break down.
TO BE CONCLUDED
All the names and characters have been changed to protect their identities.