THE SON ZONE

When Gbemisola* stepped into my office that morning, I immediately sensed a strong air of resistance around her. I didn’t need to be told that this was one very strong lady sitting opposite me. She seemed irritated at being there and I wondered what compelled her to come in the first place.
Immediately after we exchanged pleasantries, Gbemisola adjusted herself and in a very tight and detached tone she said, “Good afternoon, Mrs Ndu, I must start by letting you know that I value my privacy and as a result, I normally would not discuss my personal issues with anybody. Usually, I am able to handle my own affairs. However, I have decided to see you because my mother insists I talk to a professional and I need to get her off my back.” Immediately I assured her that confidentiality is the basis of my service she continued:
“I got married to my husband Ike* 3years ago and I have a 2year old son. My husband and I had a pretty good relationship until his mother came to stay with us for medical reasons. I normally wouldn’t mind but she is the nosiest woman I have ever met. She wants to know everything; from why I don’t cook particular Ibo dishes to why I need to have a driver. The last straw was when she demanded to know how much I earned and contributed to house-keeping so that she can be sure that her son was not bearing the bulk of the financial burden in the home. I will not tolerate such interference. I have tried to talk to Ike about it but he doesn’t seem to get it. As far as he is concerned, I am trying to pitch him against his mother.” At this point, her voice rises and her forehead creases as I notice lines that were not there when she walked in earlier. She continues in that tone asking me, “How can he suggest that? Why would I want him against his mother? Who do they think they are? He just doesn’t get it! I simply won’t be running around trying to make him choose me over her. I just can’t accept that she would come into my own home and want to take it over while my husband watches. I won’t be any body’s door mat. I watched as my mother was reduced to one by my father and his mother and yet he still left her. I will not permit it. It is either he acquires the liver to control his mother or I am out. Period! I don’t need him for anything. I can take care of myself and my child…” she finishes.
Though I am listening to what Gbemi is saying, I am hearing the things she is not saying as well. I can tell that she is distraught at the prospect of her marriage falling apart, not only because she loves her Ike but because she hates to fail at anything. She is trying to cover all this up in her rage.
As we continue to talk, she eventually opens up and tells me that though she wants her marriage to work, she can’t seem to forget how badly her mother had been treated. She is worried that if she doesn’t set very firm boundaries now she may end up like she did. I can tell she is projecting her dad’s behaviour on Ike and is determined not to be like her mum.
I explained to Gbemi that she must deal with the fact that she is still very angry at both her parents; her father for not treating her mother well and her mother for allowing herself be treated that way. Without realising it, Gbemi went into her own marriage with all her defences up jeopardising her marriage, her man and his mum.
I point out to her that the female gender tends to be territorial, usually finding it difficult to let go of what they consider to be theirs. Clearly, Ike’s mum had been No.1 in his life for a long time and she is finding it hard to let go of her ‘son zone.’ Adjusting, I explain, may take time for both mother and son.
I wink at Gbemi as I highlight the many areas in Ike’s life that Mama cannot access at all. These are strictly Gbemi’s own zone. We agree that she can leverage on them and seal her own territory clearly, firmly and permanently- with no trespassers!!I know she understands me perfectly because she smiles shyly. I say to her, “Let’s give Mama a bit of ‘son zone’ at least for raising a young man fit to marry a girl like you. I think she did a fine job.” Gbemi agrees with a slight nodding of her head.
But I know I must speak with Ike urgently. He has to communicate to his mother that her boundaries will have to be redefined and her territory considerably reduced in his home-life.

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