DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS

I am a middle-aged woman who almost never wrote at all because many years ago, someone precious to me read a piece I had written and laughed at my effort. Humiliated, I didn’t pickup a pen for a very long time even though I had the latent gift. It took me a while to walk through that experience and begin to change my perception of my writing capabilities. Like mine, many of our past experiences deeply distort our perceptions of ourselves and others and it is not a light and simple matter to admit that one is harbouring such wounds from the past.
When I met Evelyn, shewas traumatized and at the brink of taking a very drastic decision. Before she finished describing the nightmare that was her marriage to Fred, I could already identify the symptoms. They both lived in a state of extreme distress. Fredcompletely dominated Evelyn’s life. He would grill her constantly with questions and accusations about the happenings of her everyday life.She had to account to him for every phone call she made and what she said in all of them. Evelyn couldn’t understand why he did this. Why did he see her as untrustworthy when she was doing nothing wrong?Fortunately, Fred agreed to meet with metoo and it wasn’t difficult to start a conversation with him.
“I have been married to Evelyn for a while and I must admit that our marriage is pretty tedious. We have a set of twins- adorable children. My wife is a good person and I have never doubted that. I believe that she would never deliberately do anything to hurt me or any of our children. Quite frankly, I have no reason to doubt her faithfulness. I am just finding it difficult to stop looking over my shoulders because of myexperience in my previous relationship. Mrs. Ndu, I had never been so humiliated inall my life. My girlfriend had been two-timingwith my flat mate for months and I had no clue. We had been together since our days in the University-you know, pretty much like my first serious relationship. I took it for granted that we would get married. But I noticed that the closer the time came for us to firm up our plans, the more evasive she got. I assumed it was the sametrepidation Ifelt at times so I never paid much attention to it. Oftentimes, I met her alone in theflat I shared with Oluand I just assumed it was sheer coincidence. Sometimes she’d call me his name and I thought it was justa slip of tongue. It was when Imoved out of that flat that I stumbled on a text message from Olu to her. Those words are still so vivid in my mind. She didn’t even bother to deny it. I remember her saying to me like it was yesterday, ‘…but what gives you the right to snoop around my stuff? I am not married to you and nothing says I will be. I reserve the right to see who I like. You cannot tell me who I can or cannot be with…” I was stunned. I couldn’t t imagine where all that was coming from.I had always assumed we had a steady relationship. Not that I had been faithful to her all the while but… my flat mate? I felt that was a low blow and it hurt deep. I had no problem ending the relationship with her but it was a nightmare trying to quell the voices in my head that called me a fool. Flashes of various scenes that ought to have made it clear that something was happening between both of them became rampant. I really ought to have suspected, I should have known a long time before I did. I felt so naïve and stupid. The break-up didn’t hurt me as much as the fact that I had been made a complete fool of. Everything masculine in me died. My self-esteem was in shreds. It took me a long time to get over that entire experience. I concluded that no woman would ever catch me unawares again. I will always be on top of my game. I will not be made a fool of twice. I agree that I might be a bit harsh and controlling, but I have to be sure whatmy wife is up to all the time,” he finished.
It was not hard to empathize with Fred. I couldeasily appreciate the excruciating pain of his ex’s infidelity, especially the humiliation and the ridicule he must have had to endure. It was bad enough being cheatedon but right under hisnose and with his flat mate was indeed over the top.Unfortunately, after all these years Fred was still finding it difficult to stop looking at his current reality through the lens of an old memory. His perception had become distorted.
I asked Fred whether his wife had ever been unfaithful to him and he said no. I wanted to know if she had given him any reason to fear her being unfaithful and his answer remained no.At this point, Iconcluded that there was nothing his wifedo or not do that was going to change things because Fred’sdistrust was his way of staying safe in the marriage.
It was alongsession but I was really proud of Fred because he finally began to see my point. He agreed that he was being very unfair to Evelyn by making her pay for someone else’s infidelity. I emphasized that it was his decision to stay inthe prison of his past and that it was inappropriate for him to force Evelyn to stay there with him. Clearly, I made sense to him.
The question for me is not if Fred canchange his distorted perception and save his marriage but whether he would want to.I don’t expect this change overnight butI really dohope that he eventually starts to live fully in the present, appreciating and enjoying his current reality.