I am female and though I relish my femininity, some of my favourite people in this world remain male. I am not very sure why, but I suspect that it is because I consider them less complex than women. Most men are logical and objective. They hardly say one thing when they mean another-with most of them you usually know where you stand.
At the risk of sounding sexist, I consider women (including myself) more complicated. Apart from being very prone to hormones; as child bearers and nest-defenders, we are equipped with far more finely tuned sensory skills than men. Usually, it is obvious to a woman (even a girl-child) when another person is upset, jealous or hurt, while a man would generally have to witness a temper tantrum before he would even have a clue that anything is going on. A woman’s acute ability to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others is commonly called ‘women’s intuition.’
That men and women are different is what I tried to communicate to Francis and Yvonne the day they started their pre-divorce mediation process with me.
Yvonne was fed up of the union. She felt it would be easier for the children if she and Francis went their separate ways. As far as she was concerned there was no need trying to patch the marriage because Francis made the same mistake constantly but this was the last straw. Each time she started to speak I knew she was still livid. I saw some veins distinctly standing out at both sides of her head as she spoke:
“This is the third time this is happening in our marriage. We have only been married for eight years even though we have been together for almost 12years and the story is the same all the time. Francis has four siblings; he is neither the first son nor is he the first child. He is actually the third. But he seems to think that his family members are his sole responsibility. I have had to run this family alone since we got married because Francis assumes that he owes his family a lot more than he does his children. My kids can’t go to any ‘serious’ school because we have to take care of the other siblings’ children first. I just found out that he has sold the property we bought together without telling me first. And guess why Ma, to send his parents to the United States for his father’s surgery. When I found out, I was furious. I wanted to know how much his other siblings contributed. I found out that he paid the entire bill because he had suggested the trip to the U. S while the others wanted India. He went ahead and used our house as collateral to obtain a loan from the bank. Several times he has used money we put aside for his family. The biggest joke is that I know his siblings can contribute. I know they have more money than he knows. In fact, I think they consider him a big fool. I see the way his sisters look at him. Their body language is so clear to me. I just know that they are taking advantage of him.”
Before she could finish the statement, Francis looked at her directly and asked her in a very level tone”How do you know whether they have money or not. How do you know? Are you a mind reader? Or are you a witch?”
Yvonne ignored him after eyeing him intensely. She continued, “You see what I mean? I told him once that I overheard his two sisters arranging their plan to collect money from him. I knew they were talking about him because they were startled when I walked in. I told him about it and he actually went and confronted them. He told them exactly what I said, quoting me verbatim. You don’t need to know what that has caused now. Francis just doesn’t think?”
I watched Francis’ expression as he quietly asked me,” What should I have done? These are my sisters. Am I expected to take your word over theirs? I needed to find out the truth. I needed to know whether they were taking about me or not. How else can I establish to Yvonne that they are not taking advantage of me? I just had to ask them.”
As Francis spoke, I saw the plainness in his question to his sisters. He really had no clue how else to have handled the situation. He was being himself-objective and logical. He needed information from them and he asked for it. He saw absolutely no sense in Yvonne’s point of view. As far he was concerned, his family needed help and he was in a position to help them. He didn’t think that he might be shortchanging his wife and children.
He made me remember a book I read a long time before, “WHY MEN DON’T LISTEN AND WOMEN DON’T READ MAPS” by Allan and Barbara Pease.
The book convinced me that men and women are configured differently. I found out why most women talk so much and men so little, why most men offer solutions but hate advice, why most men love erotic images and women are not impressed; but more than anything it taught me to empathize more with men. They act the way they are wired.
In their book, they wrote:
“…. Neuropsychologist Professor Reuben Gur of the University of Pennsylvania used brain scan tests to show that when a man’s brain is in a resting state, at least 70% of its electrical activity is shut down. Scans of women’s brains showed 90% activity during the same state, confirming that women are constantly receiving and analyzing information from their environment. A woman knows her children’s friends, hopes, fears, romances, feelings… and usually what mischief they are plotting while most men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house…”
Men are different from women. I finally persuaded Yvonne that Francis may not be able to help the way he is. He is just being a man; details are not his scene. I have suggested that they work out a financial action plan and put Yvonne in charge and Francis is actually considering it!
I know a lot of the men may not agree, but before you burst your bubble guys, remember that you are my favourite people and I am actually on your side!
TO BE CONCLUDED NEXT WEEK
I have managed to convince Yvonne that Francis is neither a monster nor is he a buffoon. Because men and women are configured differently, both their attitudes and their perspectives are different. This I believe is why most women talk a lot and men only a little; why men would offer solutions while hating to receive advice and why they also love erotic images and women are not impressed by them at all. Each gender acts the way they are wired. This I think is the reason Francis is not paying attention to very obvious details.
Despite this, I don’t think that Francis’s attitude can be excused. I consider it down right irresponsible and inexcusable not to pay attention to your wife and children’s welfare and well-being primarily. I communicated this to Francis in a private conversation I had with him-it needed to be strictly between both of us so that I could make my point very clear to him without triggering Yvonne’s wrath-my assignment was to broker peace.
Francis confided in me that he never intended to relegate his nuclear family’s interest to the background. He just felt that his wife was better able to cope on her income than his sisters were. At this point, we had to discuss prioritization extensively. I explained to Francis that his nuclear family should always come first. He could render help to his extended family but I expected him to sort out his primary responsibility to his wife and children FIRST. In fact I emphasized that he ought to let his wife know before extending this kind of financial assistance especially where the money was put aside by both of them for other matters.
Francis is a deeply emotional man and I suspect that his family is leveraging on that. I had to persuade him to re-arrange his commitment pattern. He eventually sees my view point and starts to understand that saying ‘no’ isn’t necessarily mean, it might just mean that you are careful, responsible and wise.