COPING OR NOT

Though my children and I are good friends, I was still taken aback when my son walked into my room and announced to me, “You know what mum, I think life is a bitch.” I wanted to correct him instantly but instead I listened to find out what triggered this opinion. I am glad that I did. We talked it through and I believe I helped him change hisperspective and not deny it.
I know that many people do not get to the root of their feelings; they do not identify their anxieties, their fears and their pain. Instead, they bury their heads under the sand, deny their emotions or cover them up.
When I met Mr Inowu*, I could tell that he was devastated about his son’s situation but he denied that he cared and blamed his wife instead. Anger was his defence, his cover—up. He was furious. His lower jaw was trembling as he raved and ranted. His wife watched him quietly. She had aged considerably in the past 2weeks. Her forehead furrowed deeply. I knew she was not paying much attention to herhusband; she was heart-broken over her son’s predicament. My heart went out to her. “I have made up my mind, full stop! That young man is not coming into my home again, if his mother doesn’t accept my decision, she can join him anywhere. As far as I am concerned she has herself to blame for all this. I warned her to pay more attention to these children when they were growing up. She was pursuing her career instead. Where has that got her now? Personally I have had enough. The last straw for me is having him deported from the United Kingdom. Watching my son with cuffed hands and feet? Every one at that airport knew he was my son. I shouldn’t have gone there. I assumed I needed to sign papers on his behalf; nothing prepared me for what I saw. I was so humiliated. Mrs Ndu, the signs were there from the beginning,” he paused eyeing his son. The young man Ifie*, sat there, defiant. He was looking through the three of us, seemingly unperturbed by our conversation. Though, he was my client I had to ask him to leave my office so that I could speak privately with his parents.
As he got up to leave, his father literally cussed him out. I knew that my first assignment was not Ifie but Mr Inowu, his father.Once I reassured Mr Inowu that we were on the same side, he calmed down a bit and started to narrate what they had been through with Ifie.
“Ifie was a brilliant, well behaved child; I don’t know what went wrong. At 13, he was expelled from School for fighting a teacher. We changed his school and it was as though he moved from bad to worse. Academically, he was a mess. I hired 3 different lesson teachers, for mathematics, English Language and Commercial studies. It didn’t seem to help. I warned his mother to pay better attention to him but she didn’t. When it became clear that he was not moving forward, I decided to send him abroad. I knew that if I exposed him further to his gang of friends in Nigeria, he was likely to end up in a cult. I garnered all the resources I had available and he went to the UK. True to type, he got into trouble. But the climax is being deported. He served a brief term in jail and now my son is an ex-convict. The humiliation is unbearable. I really don’t want to have anything to do with him. I brought him here as a last resort. I don’t know what you can do for him. But whatever it is… please do Mrs Ndu. I can’t carry on like this.
I assured Mr Inowu that we could help his son Ifie but I felt he himself needed more immediate intervention for his health’s sake. He was using anger as hiscoping mechanism. Instead of admitting that he was anxious and fearful about his son’s well-being he chose to be angry ; and instead of accepting his own short-comings as a parent, he accused his wife. I explained tohim that these emotions were toxic. Anger and bitterness are both very bad for his long term well-being. “These are major stressors, Sir. When the body is under prolonged stress, the cortisol level remains elevated and the brain loses its sensitivity to it. It becomes unable to regulate its production, and then the body panics producingmore cortisol and less of the youth hormone called DHEA. DHEA has a tissue building effect while cortisol has a tearing down effect. In a nutshell Sir, you age faster and your immune system breaks down quicker, jeopardizing your health,” I said. I also pointed out to him that harassing his wife was inappropriate. More than ever, they needed to be together at this point. If he came to terms with the pain he felt about his son,it would be easier to heal his hurt and identify the steps to take in order to rehabilitate the young man. We needed to find out what went wrong with him in the first place. I asked Mr Inowu“Can you honestly delete your son from your life?”He answeredme soberlysaying,“No I can’t Madam. My family is all that I have. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t yet here. Now is all we have. I have to make the best of it.”