NOT CHOOSING IS A CHOICE

I try very hard to walk my talk. But there always seemed to be a stumbling block in my attempt to be a submissive wife. I found it almost choking especially since I already considered myself a very mild person. I knew I was either putting the wrong foot forward or I didn’t really understand what was required of me in that role. I found out the that latter was the case. I had assumed the picture-perfect wife to be one who had totally lost her identity. To attain that status, I struggled to forget how to choose and how to have an opinion. I tried very hard to extricate myself from being me. Thankfully, time and truth intervened and I got my balance right.
Oki and I didn’t have to talk for a very long time before I understood what he was trying to say. “There is no way I am going to continue with this relationship. Edoja is a very nice, peaceful and respectful person but I find her personality bland- without flavor and almost tasteless. She rarely has an opinion about anything. I consider her no ‘value-added’ to my life. You can’t imagine how many times I have heard the words ’it is up to you.’ When I ask her opinion about things, she rarely has any. She accepts everything I say. I have dated a few ladies before now and I really do want to settle down but Edoja’s behaviour is almost eerie. She reminds me of that movie many years ago ‘Coming to America.’ I keep thinking about that girl the Prince’s parents wanted him to marry. She did everything he asked her to and I thought the entire scene where she was hopping around on one foot at his command was hilarious. I didn’t know that I would live to experience such a person in my life time. Edoja would do anything I ask her to, Mrs. Ndu. I know I need a peaceful wife but not a moron,” Oki said.
Oki must have seen the look of displeasure on my face when he described the young lady Edoja with such unkind words. I made it clear to him that I didn’t think it was fair for him to use debasing words to describe someone simply because she wanted to be everything she thought he wanted her to be. He agreed that his choice of words was inappropriate and he apologized but continued talking.
“I am my mother’s only son and I am under a lot of pressure from her to settle down. As far as she is concerned, there cannot be anyone better than this girl, Edoja. In fact that is why I am still trying to work it out. In the beginning I was thrilled. I didn’t know they still made them this way. She was really mild. Every comment I made was greeted with a tender smile. She neither raised her voice and I cannot imagine her losing her temper. I was enjoying it all until I began to wonder ‘Is this real or what?’ How can an individual be so pleased with just pleasing me? She has even started to watch football matches just because I like soccer. She never chooses anything contrary to what she feels I may want. She is literally choice-less,” he finished, sounding exasperated.
I was already intrigued by this young lady that I had never met. I was sure that girls were no longer configured that way in this generation. Most of the ones I knew always had an opinion and they were keen on being heard. It was even more interesting to know that Edoja was also beautiful and intelligent. I had started wondering if she was putting on an act to lure Oki to marry her.
I decided to meet quietly with Edoja and we had a very long chat. I was keen on finding out what motivated her. I explained to her that she was going to lose her identity completely in this relationship if she didn’t make some adjustments. I wasn’t surprised when she answered me; “What identity Ma? I didn’t like my life before I started dating Oki, so what am I really losing? He brought meaning into my life. I have always had a crush on him. He was the ‘big’ boy, always away at boarding school when I was growing up. I adored him from a distance. I knew his mother was fond of me, but I was still surprised when she arranged for us to meet. He is so much fun. I really do love him,” she giggled obviously awe-struck.
I felt warmth towards Edoja because I knew that for Oki’s mum to want her as a daughter- in- law, she must be special. I may be contemporary in my thinking but no matter how hard I have tried, I still find myself biased towards match-making and match-made relationships. I cannot help feeling that when you are introduced to your partner by a more mature and responsible person the relationship is likely to be more stable, eliminating most of the emotional upheaval associated with romantic involvements.
I knew I needed to explain a few things to my latest friend Edoja, so we started to talk and she paid a great deal of attention. I explained to her that in every relationship, you always had lots of choices. One of such choices is to maintain your personality- an identity. “Who you are, what you do, what you like, what you think and where you are going are the things that probably attracted you to Oki in the first place. Merging your identity with his may not seem such a bad idea now but very soon you will start to be resentful. You will feel that you have sacrificed your life, your dreams, your purpose and your destiny,” I emphasized.
Edoja still doesn’t know Oki had spoken to me but she seems to agree that there is a big difference between being two separate people with goals in common and becoming two people with one identity. I am pleased that she understands and I hope she makes the right choice- because not choosing itself is a choice… What do you think?