THE INNER CRITIC

A lot of people are running very hard and fast with none in pursuit but themselves. They have set bars for themselves, by themselves and have inflicted immense emotional self-abuse on themselves trying to jump these bars. The phrase I am most often tempted to use in sessions with clients like this is “Cut yourself some slack, this is self-abuse” but I have learnt to resist this urge.

Emotional self-abuse refers to the harmful patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving that one directs toward oneself, often resulting in emotional pain or distress. It includes negative self-talk, excessive self-criticism, self-blame, self-doubt, or holding oneself to unrealistic standards. Emotional self-abuse can be caused by a variety of factors, often rooted in past experiences, learned behaviors, or mental health challenges but it is mostly caused by the voice of the INNER CRITIC.

The inner critic is an internal voice that conducts a mental dialogue expressing negative thoughts, judgments, and criticisms about you. It often acts like a harsh, unkind observer bent on exposing the inadequacies in your actions, thoughts, and abilities. The inner critic’s voice is often loudest when one grew up with overly critical caregivers or when societal expectations are unrealistic. This voice can affect self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.

Characteristics of the Inner Critic:

1. Negative Self-Talk: It often speaks in harsh or discouraging ways, saying things like, “You’re not good enough,” “See your mates” or ” Who do you think you are?”
2. Perfectionism: It can set unrealistic standards and then berate you for not meeting them, reinforcing a cycle of perfectionism and self-criticism.
3. Fear of Failure: It can amplify fears of failure or rejection, making you overly cautious or reluctant to take risks.
4. Comparison: It frequently compares you unfavorably to others, emphasizing perceived shortcomings or failures.
5. Guilt and Shame: It can focus on past mistakes or perceived flaws, causing ongoing feelings of guilt or shame.
6. Self-Sabotage: It can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, such as procrastination or avoidance.

How to manage the inner critic’s voice:

The goal is not to completely silence the inner critic but to quieten and manage its impact with the following strategies:

1. Identifying and Acknowledging the Inner Critic

• Awareness: Notice when your inner critic is speaking. Pay attention to negative self-talk, patterns of self-judgment, or critical thoughts.
• Labeling: Make sure your inner critic is noun- with a name or persona. This can help you distinguish between your true self and the critical voice, making it easier to address.

2. Challenging Negative Thoughts

• Question the Critic: Ask yourself if the criticisms are true, realistic, or based on evidence. Often, the inner critic makes exaggerated or untrue statements.
• Reframe: Replace negative thoughts with more balanced, positive, or realistic statements. For example, change “I am a failure “ to “Some things have not gone as I planned them , but I can learn and improve.”

3. Practicing Self-Compassion

• Be Kind to Yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfection is part of being human.
• Self-Compassion Exercises: Engage in exercises that promote self-compassion, like writing a compassionate letter to yourself or practicing self-soothing activities.

4. Developing a Growth Mindset

• Focus on Learning: Shift your perspective from seeing mistakes as failures to viewing them as opportunities for growth and learning.
• Set Realistic Goals: Set achievable goals and celebrate progress, no matter how small and counteract the inner critic’s tendency to diminish accomplishments.
• Limiting Comparisons with Others:
• Focus on Your Own Life Journey: Recognize that everyone has their own path, and comparing yourself to others is often unfair and unhelpful.
• Gratitude Practices: Focus on what you appreciate about yourself and your life, which can counteract the inner critic’s tendency to focus on your shortcomings.
• Practicing Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, with an open, non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surroundings. It involves paying attention intentionally and experiencing whatever is in the moment without trying to change it

7. Seek Professional Support

• Therapy: A therapist can help you explore the origins of your inner critic and develop personalized strategies for managing it.
• Support Groups: Connecting with others who experience similar struggles can provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation.

8. Create Affirmations

• Positive Statements: Develop affirmations that counter the inner critic’s messages, such as “I am worthy of love and respect” or “I can bounce back,” or “ This is another learning curve.”
• Repeat Daily: Regularly repeating affirmations can help rewire your brain to focus on positive and supportive self-beliefs.

9. Journal Your Thoughts

• Reflective Writing: Journaling can help you externalize the inner critic’s voice, making it easier to challenge and change negative thought patterns.
• Gratitude and Wins Journal: Keeping a journal of things you are grateful for or proud of can shift your focus from criticism to positivity and growth.

10. Set Boundaries with Yourself

• Limit Criticism: Set a mental boundary to stop yourself when you notice excessive self-criticism. You can use techniques like visualizing a stop sign or redirecting your attention to a positive task.

Managing the inner critic is a gradual process that involves building self-awareness and practicing these strategies consistently. Over time, you can cultivate a kinder, more supportive inner dialogue that empowers you rather than holds you back.

Remember “…always cut yourself some slack.”

Chiadi Ndu, PhD